My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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