his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize
