Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Randomize
