I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
