Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
