Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
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