you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
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