DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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