he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
