How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
My penis needs a shock collar
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
