John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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