awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
