Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
