apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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