My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
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