Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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