You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
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