Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
