We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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