i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
