I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
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