Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
