Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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