remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
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