i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
