Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
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