hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
