My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
