There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Randomize
