Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
