My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Randomize
