I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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