I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
