and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
