Sorry, I don't speak sober.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
