I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Randomize
