You made me cry and you don't even care
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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