I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
