I cannot find my penis.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
