she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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