it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
