He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
Who wears a wallet chain?!
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
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