I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
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