I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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