I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Randomize
