So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
my sisters under your porch take her home
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
