dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Randomize
