i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
i already hear my dad disowning me
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
