Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
