3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
pray to the hookup gods
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Randomize
