I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
