Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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