It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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